I see a lot of potential and hope you will continue this story. English is not my first language as well but I mainly write in it. Therefore I did remarked places for improvement. Your grammar and spelling is good but all of what I will say can bring down the writing and the story or make it less appealing to readers. The main thing is that in IF most people expect the story to follow the proper convention the same way novel do. The more your work lean toward the fanfiction way of writing and storytelling the less attractive it tend to be for the majority of those readers. As many come from COG (a company that make IF and have their own engine) or are familiar with it. So all I will say can be discarded if you don't care about that audience or prefer to stick to fanfic conventions.
1 - I would advise to focus first on formatting and how to apply standard novel conventions. It is okay to use ** for an action in fanfic but absolutely not outside of it.
2 - Beware of overusing CAPITALIZE words or like someone else said ellipses. Too much of it in a phrase or paragraph can tire readers easily. Also it is better for dialogue if when someone is stuttering a lot, you don't describe in details and just do that.
ex : "I'm not sure." He stutter
Rather then.
ex : "I- I'm..n-not...su-sure."
As once that can maybe work, but multiples lines of this can make the reading less fluid. This is the same when you have to describe someone laughing. You avoid writing "HAHAHA" you just write that they laugh or cackle or chuckled, well, you got me. Make the text more smooth.
3 - I see a lot of telling and this isn't necessarily a bad thing, as IF tend to have to include a touch more of it generally. But here it make the pacing seem to rush and don't give us enough time to acclimate to our protagonist or get attached to Liam. I understand if your intention was to quickly bring the MC into the other world but I really recommend slowing down a little and developing what you got as right now. Our MC goes through quite a roller-coaster of emotions but none of what happened felt impactful for me due to all of it being undeveloped and passing in the blink of an eye.
4 - Just a little thing I think you should be mindful of in the trigger warnings and the description of the game. Romance doesn't have to contain sex scene necessarily or sex at all. And I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone. But this a hurtful stereotype as some people are asexual and among those some do not want sex but still desire romance. That doesn't mean that your game have to cater to them, many games don't. But I would advise revising that and being more explicit about how sex scene or romance/friendship will work and if the MC will be able to be asexual (the MC already seem to be heteromantic by default but in case of the friendship route you may want to also indicate if they can be aromantic as well) so and decide to have sex or not (some asexual are okay with having it or want it, it's a complex spectrum) or if the sex scenes will be locked to the romance route ect.
I hope I have not discourage you, trust me I wouldn't write such a long comment if I didn't see the potential your story and game has. I like your humor and can't wait to see your writing style grow as it sound really friendly and all it need is a bit of polished. Keep up the good work !
Oh my ghad thank you for everything!! Sorry for not updating lately... Your reply did not discourage me at all in fact, it made me realize my mistakes and laugh at myself. I really appreciate someone telling me what to improve because that means they care about me or my story (in my own opinion let me dream alright.. ). Thanks for thinking highly of this story but I am sorry to break this I would love to continue it but I don't think I can right now. It is because of my laptop ( the one I'm using to type this and comfortably use) broke and I don't have anything to use to continue it (I was actually have another story to post and was refining this story, removing ellipses and checking grammars at grammarly ps. I LOVE YOU GRAMMARLY but my laptop sadly shows red screen and all. Good thing I have my good ole USB for saving the stories before it became like that. This is the reason why I can't post and update it yet.) I don't know if I can still fix it It's been with me for 6 or 9 years so the screen starts leaking something idk... So my plan for now was to postpone this story and continue this after I have my job to buy myself brand new laptop or have enough money to repair it. Unfortunately, Its a very long year and process to wait. So maybe when I get back to this story, my writings will be boring and the story will be different. Imean- I need to graduate from grade 12 (my year right now with my friend Thesis and research I HATE THEM!!) and take my collage course so yup looooonggg way to go.. I will not promise anything because who knows what will happen right? But all I can say is that I WILL TRY to continue this when opportunities make it. So for now, I will take your suggestions and corrections at my heart and hope you will be here when I come back again to continue this story. Anyways Thank you again and Lab yah bradah Happy hearts day!
You're welcome ! Don't worry and focus on your studies first, there will always be readers happy to discover your game once you come back. I will patiently wait for your future works if you ever decide to come back. Wish you well and may the god of money bless you to buy another computer !
Okay, wow. It has potential. I like the premise that's for sure. And as someone who used to read isekai heroines who turn into some minor character in a story, I guess one of my fantasies is coming true with this game.
Tho, I have some issues with how much you use ellipses (…) in your composition. Too much of that is well, too much! And there's also the use of pronoun. It's he's not his. And there are those knew that should be know. I also think you should revise your sentences. But you're doing okay.
And as a fellow Filipino, reading your writing style makes me laugh because it's like a personal chatting style. I chat like that with some ellipses and sprinkle of humor. But anyway, I like it. You did good!
this was SO GOOD, I loved it so much!!! as someone not so fluent in english (like, i can read but it's complicated to write, so much so i'm using the translator now) i didn't see any grammatical mistakes and i found your writing AWESOME, I will definitely look forward to the next chapters
and please, you CAN'T make a character as cute as Liam and then hope we don't get attached to him, I was already wondering how we would raise the heroine together, be like those margarine commercial families and then BOOOM he died :(
congratulations you managed to make me raise a family, then become a widow and single mother all in less than 2 minutes, hope you are happy >:(
Hi! Oh my god, I was ecstatic when I read your comment! AHAHAHAHAHAH.. I was writing chapter 1 and I decided to check my itch.io account and I saw this. First of all, thank you for finding my writing okay. I mean I was really struggling with how to put my own ideas from my language into English. As my dialect really distracts me from making a good story even now I'm struggling to make the grammar fit what I imagine it would look. I really appreciate this comment so much so thank you!!.. Second, about Liam. HAHHAHAHA I made him purposely attached to the player right from the start to clearly emphasize the MC's personality.. I won't spoil anything but I'll assure you one thing.. The prologue is not the end of Liam's journey... Third and last.. The chapters.. As I was saying I was really busy at my school as an active student writing thesis and projects ( I snuck my free time to do the prologue and a little bit of styling this game.. I slightly regret a little bit because my teacher got mad when I passed my introduction in thesis.. HAHAHHAHHA I deserve it I know... ) so I don't know if I can post the chapter and portray the story well but I'll try my best to work faster. First thing first I should really finish my thesis before anything else.. Anyways.. Thank you for your comment you made my day awesome.. I hope to see you in the next chapter uploads..Toodles!! :P
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I only found out about this just now, is it still updating??? ;-; I'm invested uwaaaaaaaaaa
I see a lot of potential and hope you will continue this story. English is not my first language as well but I mainly write in it. Therefore I did remarked places for improvement. Your grammar and spelling is good but all of what I will say can bring down the writing and the story or make it less appealing to readers. The main thing is that in IF most people expect the story to follow the proper convention the same way novel do. The more your work lean toward the fanfiction way of writing and storytelling the less attractive it tend to be for the majority of those readers. As many come from COG (a company that make IF and have their own engine) or are familiar with it. So all I will say can be discarded if you don't care about that audience or prefer to stick to fanfic conventions.
1 - I would advise to focus first on formatting and how to apply standard novel conventions. It is okay to use ** for an action in fanfic but absolutely not outside of it.
2 - Beware of overusing CAPITALIZE words or like someone else said ellipses. Too much of it in a phrase or paragraph can tire readers easily. Also it is better for dialogue if when someone is stuttering a lot, you don't describe in details and just do that.
ex : "I'm not sure." He stutter
Rather then.
ex : "I- I'm..n-not...su-sure."
As once that can maybe work, but multiples lines of this can make the reading less fluid. This is the same when you have to describe someone laughing. You avoid writing "HAHAHA" you just write that they laugh or cackle or chuckled, well, you got me. Make the text more smooth.
3 - I see a lot of telling and this isn't necessarily a bad thing, as IF tend to have to include a touch more of it generally. But here it make the pacing seem to rush and don't give us enough time to acclimate to our protagonist or get attached to Liam. I understand if your intention was to quickly bring the MC into the other world but I really recommend slowing down a little and developing what you got as right now. Our MC goes through quite a roller-coaster of emotions but none of what happened felt impactful for me due to all of it being undeveloped and passing in the blink of an eye.
4 - Just a little thing I think you should be mindful of in the trigger warnings and the description of the game. Romance doesn't have to contain sex scene necessarily or sex at all. And I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone. But this a hurtful stereotype as some people are asexual and among those some do not want sex but still desire romance. That doesn't mean that your game have to cater to them, many games don't. But I would advise revising that and being more explicit about how sex scene or romance/friendship will work and if the MC will be able to be asexual (the MC already seem to be heteromantic by default but in case of the friendship route you may want to also indicate if they can be aromantic as well) so and decide to have sex or not (some asexual are okay with having it or want it, it's a complex spectrum) or if the sex scenes will be locked to the romance route ect.
I hope I have not discourage you, trust me I wouldn't write such a long comment if I didn't see the potential your story and game has. I like your humor and can't wait to see your writing style grow as it sound really friendly and all it need is a bit of polished. Keep up the good work !
Oh my ghad thank you for everything!! Sorry for not updating lately... Your reply did not discourage me at all in fact, it made me realize my mistakes and laugh at myself. I really appreciate someone telling me what to improve because that means they care about me or my story (in my own opinion let me dream alright.. ). Thanks for thinking highly of this story but I am sorry to break this I would love to continue it but I don't think I can right now. It is because of my laptop ( the one I'm using to type this and comfortably use) broke and I don't have anything to use to continue it (I was actually have another story to post and was refining this story, removing ellipses and checking grammars at grammarly ps. I LOVE YOU GRAMMARLY but my laptop sadly shows red screen and all. Good thing I have my good ole USB for saving the stories before it became like that. This is the reason why I can't post and update it yet.) I don't know if I can still fix it It's been with me for 6 or 9 years so the screen starts leaking something idk... So my plan for now was to postpone this story and continue this after I have my job to buy myself brand new laptop or have enough money to repair it. Unfortunately, Its a very long year and process to wait. So maybe when I get back to this story, my writings will be boring and the story will be different. Imean- I need to graduate from grade 12 (my year right now with my friend Thesis and research I HATE THEM!!) and take my collage course so yup looooonggg way to go.. I will not promise anything because who knows what will happen right? But all I can say is that I WILL TRY to continue this when opportunities make it. So for now, I will take your suggestions and corrections at my heart and hope you will be here when I come back again to continue this story. Anyways Thank you again and Lab yah bradah Happy hearts day!
You're welcome ! Don't worry and focus on your studies first, there will always be readers happy to discover your game once you come back. I will patiently wait for your future works if you ever decide to come back. Wish you well and may the god of money bless you to buy another computer !
Okay, wow. It has potential. I like the premise that's for sure. And as someone who used to read isekai heroines who turn into some minor character in a story, I guess one of my fantasies is coming true with this game.
Tho, I have some issues with how much you use ellipses (…) in your composition. Too much of that is well, too much! And there's also the use of pronoun. It's he's not his. And there are those knew that should be know. I also think you should revise your sentences. But you're doing okay.
And as a fellow Filipino, reading your writing style makes me laugh because it's like a personal chatting style. I chat like that with some ellipses and sprinkle of humor. But anyway, I like it. You did good!
this was SO GOOD, I loved it so much!!! as someone not so fluent in english (like, i can read but it's complicated to write, so much so i'm using the translator now) i didn't see any grammatical mistakes and i found your writing AWESOME, I will definitely look forward to the next chapters
and please, you CAN'T make a character as cute as Liam and then hope we don't get attached to him, I was already wondering how we would raise the heroine together, be like those margarine commercial families and then BOOOM he died :(
congratulations you managed to make me raise a family, then become a widow and single mother all in less than 2 minutes, hope you are happy >:(
Hi! Oh my god, I was ecstatic when I read your comment! AHAHAHAHAHAH.. I was writing chapter 1 and I decided to check my itch.io account and I saw this. First of all, thank you for finding my writing okay. I mean I was really struggling with how to put my own ideas from my language into English. As my dialect really distracts me from making a good story even now I'm struggling to make the grammar fit what I imagine it would look. I really appreciate this comment so much so thank you!!.. Second, about Liam. HAHHAHAHA I made him purposely attached to the player right from the start to clearly emphasize the MC's personality.. I won't spoil anything but I'll assure you one thing.. The prologue is not the end of Liam's journey... Third and last.. The chapters.. As I was saying I was really busy at my school as an active student writing thesis and projects ( I snuck my free time to do the prologue and a little bit of styling this game.. I slightly regret a little bit because my teacher got mad when I passed my introduction in thesis.. HAHAHHAHHA I deserve it I know... ) so I don't know if I can post the chapter and portray the story well but I'll try my best to work faster. First thing first I should really finish my thesis before anything else.. Anyways.. Thank you for your comment you made my day awesome.. I hope to see you in the next chapter uploads..Toodles!! :P